restlessness..~

hiya~

mood : bored?
song : melt the snow by shayne ward

i'm feeling kinda restless lately..
i'm not sure what to do or what to think..
nothing's been in my mind for like a whole week and i don't know what to do..
am i feeling lonely is what i ask myself sometimes during the week.. but i know i'm not.. i had friends.. right?
i have church friends whom i jus befriend this year and i'm really glad i got to meet them.. and.. what now??
i still have many things i can't say out loud to them.. i'm still feeling weird.. (dang the next song is 'i'm so lonely by aikon)
i've got nothing or no one in my mind.. that a good thing or a bad one?
no one knows when i'm in bad mood or when i'm in no mood at all to do anything.. but who knows..??? (i mute the volume for the song mr lonely.. lol)

i would ask.. am i me anymore?
what am i doing here if not in malaysia?
what should i do next?
what will i do?
what can i do to.. bla bla bla..?
am i feeling lonely now? (asking that question means i am.. i guess. :P)

i've been talking to myself lots lately.. i know it's weird, but what can you do when you eat/sleep do everything yourself other than talking to those in msn/facebook?
i can't touch /see /feel them.. the absence of it is making me craving for them..

like fai told me.. i've got too much free time.. + my parents don't allow me to go out..
what else can i do?
i dont feel like lying all the time like that.. i've been doing that every time i go out on fri night to church for fellowship.. (i did tell them i go to church but i didn't tell them exactly how late i get back..)
i'm feeling restless and sometimes it's so bad that i wanna cry.
anyone there to lend me a shoulder?
i guess no one.. or should i say, i wouldn't wanna anyone here see my bad side..

ah.. now that i think bout it..
i really needed a dog... either that.. or get a bf..
but seriously.. i would like someone be there for me all the time now.. at least for the summer..
can i wish for it even if it's selfish? (songs - big girls don't cry by fergie)..
that is.. jus being beside me, listening to every complain i had everyday and bring me out sometimes.. spoil me, hav fun, play games with me, give me treats or mayb little surprises would be great.. hahah.. wouldn't that what a bf would do.. instead of a good friend? (i very well accept female friend, but i won't accept her being my girlfriend.. LOL)
that would be dreams for me.. but anyway, whatever......

though my parents don't really allow me to get a pet.... (which i would rather get one instead of getting a bf..)
and it's hard to geet bf too.. :P other than that
had a bunch of plushies, but they don't talk they don't hav the warmth that i'm seeking for..

and i was wondering.. if the feelings i had when i was 16-17 came back again..
am i not good enough to do/ be everything?
please don't tell me that you're beautiful in every way yourself crap.. i know that but i jus can't stop having these feelings.. i would feel depress and tell myself.. what can i do to improve? what can i do to make them like me more, care for me more..? am i really locking my heart away..?

i'm restless, too free, nervous and been daydreaming..