It's been long since I wrote my blog.. I'm just writing because.. I feel like it?
Well.. I don't know. I've just graduated and got my Bachelor degree in Chemistry, thinking to further my studies in Chemistry PhD (but can I?).. I dont know. My veterinary medicine dream seems to be a long term goal for me now, now that I didn't do well in my undergraduate studies year..
Everyone asked me why, everyone told me "You can do it!"
But as much as I look smart, I am actually not. Now, many will say I have too little confidence in myself, low self-esteem, but hey, I know what I am. I am smart, no doubt, but I am not that smart. I am just another ordinary girl in the world. Another average smart girl (not the smart that can get into anywhere she wants, or succeed in almost every aspect of her life).
Anyway, I am currently searching for jobs (in Chemistry field) and I will not stop looking until I got one.. At least I hope I can work until my Graduate school starts. Not like they want me in the program (I applied to Rice for Chemistry and Biochemistry) and am thinking about Biomedical Engineering / Biomedical Science in TAMU. I wish I could get into Rice thought (it's a good university from the ranking..lol)
So much had happened since I last wrote the blog. Fall semester of 2012 was a fun semester for me. I went out every weekend and almost gone crazy.. Went to Houston, live my life as it should. Play hard study hard. I was pretty busy during the week too, with all the research hour I am trying to take up. I love research btw, so I hope I can find something similar to it. I worked as well and I enjoyed it very much.
I met this guy before Halloween (if I recall) through online dating (zoosk). I must have been pretty lonely though I went out almost every weekend.. lol.
I'm still "dating" him, yea, but to be honest, I do not have much feelings for him. It's been 3 months maybe? And yea, he's Caucasian (my type) but he's not exactly my type personality-wise.. He is everything I'm not and I do not wish to live his life as well..
Because he lived so far away (1.5 hours drive) we seldom meet up with each other. Until recently, we kinda stopped meeting each other (he doesn't have money to come over, and I am still looking for jobs therefore I am saving up as much as I can by not going anywhere).
Then we hardly text anymore (we used to text alot in a day) but now it's been "Hey, how is it going" or "What's up? What are you up to?" There is no difference in everyday texting. Both of us find it pretty boring saying the same stuff again and again. He is living the same life everyday and I am too (except that in Fall semester I have things to do, friends to be with) Now that I am "poor" I couldn't go anywhere much I couldn't do anything much except for making crafts at home.. lol. Oh he's working, but he often spend in on games or I dont know.. :/
He told me once that his money is spent on me? WTF... That is the rudest thing I've heard. I might as well say "We should break up, then.." I didn't tell him, maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong, I dont want to appear that I date him because of his money (and I know he's not rich..) But hey, I don't date him because he will pay for all our dates (I paid once or twice too...!) He can choose not to pay. But then, not being the gentleman he is, I might not go out with him.
I've been thinking maybe this is it. Honeymoon period is over, time to look at the reality (yes, we are still boyfriend and girlfriend), no more honeymoon. I loved this honeymoon period.. and I want to acquire this feelings once again.
He was my first kiss (yea.. it wasn't a good one though). But hey, he might or might not be my first man. I have been thinking about it. But I would at least want both of us to be so in love with each other then "make love" (I kinda despise this word though). But meh, he wasn't in love with me but he was already rushing to "make love"........ Well I am a virgin but I am now doubtful if I should give it up to me (most probably not him...)
As I was thinking he is the right man to fall in love with, now I am thinking this is so wrong.. So so wrong. He is everything I'm not, everything I dont want to be. So many red flags that I see in him that I dont want to see.
He's not educated (well he was from the army), he's cute (no doubt, my type) but he's too.... caucasian for me. He doesn't care about me, (he was just thinking sex/ physical contact all the time). We made out so much, my lips are sore and I hated his beard (it was pokey!) He's a risk taker, I am not. He likes things that I totally hated. He doesn't understand me and I am not sure if he is trying to or not. He wasn't as emotionally attached as I am. And when we made out, I don't feel his heart beat (fast) anymore... It was just me (yea my heart beats fast whenever something about is to happen.. lol)
I will, somehow, break up with him, or maybe he will break up with me. Either way, I don't think we are suited for each other at all. Everything that happened was just a whim.. and that he doesn't care (well he slept with 20 different girls) so I dont think he cares as much as I do.. Or maybe he just wanna do it with me and be gone with it. (So that is why I am still thinking...why should I give my virginity with him, when he is everything I dont want to be with or everything I dont want to be?) He might be ideal physically, but never personality or emotionally.
I'm still "young" as told by others. I have time to look for other better suited partners and I believe that. But I don't know how? I am socially inept and I couldn't communicate well with many people. I dislike talking about myself when confronted with strangers so blind date is a no go thing.. lol
Anyhow.. There's this guy somewhere across the world (my friend), I told him he was my "potential mate". Yea he's got everything I want to have in my offspring, except that he is an Asian (which I dont really like? Urgh I hate that I'm racist). We've been talking very intimately but there's nothing much we could do because he's so far away. He, on the other hand, might be my first, BUT.. like I said he wasn't really my type. Potential mate to me = gives good offspring, nothing else. But he was thinking that I was in love with him, which I'm not. Now that I told him he was my potential mate, he told me he likes me or even loves me, I am pushing him away. I have so many things I dislike him sometimes but he's my potential mate. :/ He told me I was his dream girl.. but............ he's wasn't...
I feel bad, but.... Emotionally with this caucasian guy I know it won't happen. Therefore this asian guy...
Either way, I am still not satisfied! A bitch that I am. I will reject this asian guy and breakup with this caucasian guy in search of someone who I want more... I won't ask for God or superior being for this thing because this is selfish and bad. I am a bitch who doesn't appreciate the things in front of me, or any good things that come to me because I am always asking for more, for a better one.
How I wish sometimes, I am smart and beautiful and NOT socially inept so I can talk to people easily.
Well.. I don't know. I've just graduated and got my Bachelor degree in Chemistry, thinking to further my studies in Chemistry PhD (but can I?).. I dont know. My veterinary medicine dream seems to be a long term goal for me now, now that I didn't do well in my undergraduate studies year..
Everyone asked me why, everyone told me "You can do it!"
But as much as I look smart, I am actually not. Now, many will say I have too little confidence in myself, low self-esteem, but hey, I know what I am. I am smart, no doubt, but I am not that smart. I am just another ordinary girl in the world. Another average smart girl (not the smart that can get into anywhere she wants, or succeed in almost every aspect of her life).
Anyway, I am currently searching for jobs (in Chemistry field) and I will not stop looking until I got one.. At least I hope I can work until my Graduate school starts. Not like they want me in the program (I applied to Rice for Chemistry and Biochemistry) and am thinking about Biomedical Engineering / Biomedical Science in TAMU. I wish I could get into Rice thought (it's a good university from the ranking..lol)
So much had happened since I last wrote the blog. Fall semester of 2012 was a fun semester for me. I went out every weekend and almost gone crazy.. Went to Houston, live my life as it should. Play hard study hard. I was pretty busy during the week too, with all the research hour I am trying to take up. I love research btw, so I hope I can find something similar to it. I worked as well and I enjoyed it very much.
I met this guy before Halloween (if I recall) through online dating (zoosk). I must have been pretty lonely though I went out almost every weekend.. lol.
I'm still "dating" him, yea, but to be honest, I do not have much feelings for him. It's been 3 months maybe? And yea, he's Caucasian (my type) but he's not exactly my type personality-wise.. He is everything I'm not and I do not wish to live his life as well..
Because he lived so far away (1.5 hours drive) we seldom meet up with each other. Until recently, we kinda stopped meeting each other (he doesn't have money to come over, and I am still looking for jobs therefore I am saving up as much as I can by not going anywhere).
Then we hardly text anymore (we used to text alot in a day) but now it's been "Hey, how is it going" or "What's up? What are you up to?" There is no difference in everyday texting. Both of us find it pretty boring saying the same stuff again and again. He is living the same life everyday and I am too (except that in Fall semester I have things to do, friends to be with) Now that I am "poor" I couldn't go anywhere much I couldn't do anything much except for making crafts at home.. lol. Oh he's working, but he often spend in on games or I dont know.. :/
He told me once that his money is spent on me? WTF... That is the rudest thing I've heard. I might as well say "We should break up, then.." I didn't tell him, maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong, I dont want to appear that I date him because of his money (and I know he's not rich..) But hey, I don't date him because he will pay for all our dates (I paid once or twice too...!) He can choose not to pay. But then, not being the gentleman he is, I might not go out with him.
I've been thinking maybe this is it. Honeymoon period is over, time to look at the reality (yes, we are still boyfriend and girlfriend), no more honeymoon. I loved this honeymoon period.. and I want to acquire this feelings once again.
He was my first kiss (yea.. it wasn't a good one though). But hey, he might or might not be my first man. I have been thinking about it. But I would at least want both of us to be so in love with each other then "make love" (I kinda despise this word though). But meh, he wasn't in love with me but he was already rushing to "make love"........ Well I am a virgin but I am now doubtful if I should give it up to me (most probably not him...)
As I was thinking he is the right man to fall in love with, now I am thinking this is so wrong.. So so wrong. He is everything I'm not, everything I dont want to be. So many red flags that I see in him that I dont want to see.
He's not educated (well he was from the army), he's cute (no doubt, my type) but he's too.... caucasian for me. He doesn't care about me, (he was just thinking sex/ physical contact all the time). We made out so much, my lips are sore and I hated his beard (it was pokey!) He's a risk taker, I am not. He likes things that I totally hated. He doesn't understand me and I am not sure if he is trying to or not. He wasn't as emotionally attached as I am. And when we made out, I don't feel his heart beat (fast) anymore... It was just me (yea my heart beats fast whenever something about is to happen.. lol)
I will, somehow, break up with him, or maybe he will break up with me. Either way, I don't think we are suited for each other at all. Everything that happened was just a whim.. and that he doesn't care (well he slept with 20 different girls) so I dont think he cares as much as I do.. Or maybe he just wanna do it with me and be gone with it. (So that is why I am still thinking...why should I give my virginity with him, when he is everything I dont want to be with or everything I dont want to be?) He might be ideal physically, but never personality or emotionally.
I'm still "young" as told by others. I have time to look for other better suited partners and I believe that. But I don't know how? I am socially inept and I couldn't communicate well with many people. I dislike talking about myself when confronted with strangers so blind date is a no go thing.. lol
Anyhow.. There's this guy somewhere across the world (my friend), I told him he was my "potential mate". Yea he's got everything I want to have in my offspring, except that he is an Asian (which I dont really like? Urgh I hate that I'm racist). We've been talking very intimately but there's nothing much we could do because he's so far away. He, on the other hand, might be my first, BUT.. like I said he wasn't really my type. Potential mate to me = gives good offspring, nothing else. But he was thinking that I was in love with him, which I'm not. Now that I told him he was my potential mate, he told me he likes me or even loves me, I am pushing him away. I have so many things I dislike him sometimes but he's my potential mate. :/ He told me I was his dream girl.. but............ he's wasn't...
I feel bad, but.... Emotionally with this caucasian guy I know it won't happen. Therefore this asian guy...
Either way, I am still not satisfied! A bitch that I am. I will reject this asian guy and breakup with this caucasian guy in search of someone who I want more... I won't ask for God or superior being for this thing because this is selfish and bad. I am a bitch who doesn't appreciate the things in front of me, or any good things that come to me because I am always asking for more, for a better one.
How I wish sometimes, I am smart and beautiful and NOT socially inept so I can talk to people easily.
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