Why would I?

Seriously, why would I?

Cried every single freaking day/time? Can't I learn how to accept the fact??? Why am I refusing it??

I will have to do it sooner or later, but being who I am, I can't accept it for no matter how much I tried. What? Because I can't get enough attentions I wanted? I will have to get used to this fact, get over my own freaky creepy stupid silly principles.. because I know I'll end up with NO friends at all. And who wants that? I don't want that please.

Having fake friends are tough, weak friends are worse than that, shitty friends are worst of all.. but who can really choose them? God? Really? I hope he's reading it... and He'll give me a chance to see what real friendship is. Or will He...?

I dislike flirty girls, I dislike girls who seek attention (Hey, I know I am one too, and that's probably why I am not liking myself very much either..), WEAK girls (or the one who pretends to be weak - for having two different faces of each side of coins.)

I can't be myself, that's the toughest thing I am trying to do. I have to change, is what I was told. I have to blend into the society, be one of the "commoners" yea??

That's one thing.. probably I can't be myself anymore.. not in front of everyone, not even God.. change for the better me. :)

Is that smile even real, I wondered? I hate this feeling so so much it feels like I'm exploding at any time given the situation, and I can't do that. I have to gulp everything down, then flush it all out!!! Yes, I will do that...

I am weak myself, can anyone see it? Or did I hide it too much? I cry too, but can anyone hears it, sees it or even feels it? I'd have to admit that if I'm unhappy / upset, then I will show it out.. but I never cry in front of ppl or any ONE in fact... (because I seriously think that would be too attention seeking.)

I doubt anyone does, and even if they do I doubt they care right? It's not I who they shall take care of, it's not I who they shall shower all their attentions to. So why would they? Right? Other than telling me that GOD is watching me, I doubt there's any other who can really say, they are looking out for me (other than my parents).

If you'd care, you'd show. If you don't, fuck off and dont let others misunderstood.

Too many principles in my life that I have to let go, too many of the new ones I have to adopt. In which, it'll take time I guess...

ps - in conclusion, attention seeking.... BEING THE WEAK ones, even if it's just prententious, will let you climb up the stairs easier than BEING ACTUALLY STRONG.