Suddenly...

I suddenly felt nostalgic.
I suddenly wanted to cry.

This feeling, is like I have lost it long long time ago, and it came to me so so suddenly.

I have been feeling more dejavu recently.
Jus like today, I went fixing my Michael (a car shop) since his a/c is not working anymore..
There's this little girl, who laughs very cutely (is this a word? haha~)
The way she laughs, the "length" of time she laughs is really funny. It makes me wanted to laugh with her as well.

Anyway, while we (Clarissa and I) were waiting for my car to be serviced, this little girl was playing 'Hot Potato" (No idea why she called this throwing around her plush toy kitty cat Hot Potato) with another customer, happily.
When this customer left, she targeted us. It was around this, I felt a familiarity, where she asked if she could play with us, while I said "you could play with her, (pointing at Clarissa) a few times. (LOL, I am jus no good with kids...)

So, back to the topic.

I suddenly feel like crying.
With this heavy feeling of wanting to go back to the past.
Want to undo everything that I have done and regretted.


This feeling just came to me suddenly, without notice.
Like how an accident would be like, when you least expected it.
It hits me so suddenly, that the moment that I wished that it would stay forever, is gone, and has became a part of memory to me.


At least, July has passed (my weakest month? haha)
Though, how much longer do I still have to wait, until this feeling of mine is gone?
1 week? 1 month? 1 year? (I'm not saying 10 years cause I pretty sure hope it wont be that long...)


I don cry alot... really.
Well other than reading Fictions, or watching "touching" movies, I don't.
I am kinda like the "stone" heart type, but.. sometimes, you know you jus can't bear with it all.
Trying so hard swallowing my tears, I guess it got worse than before.

All of a sudden, I feel so lonely over here.
I missed my parents, my dog, my grandma, all of my family..
I missed my friends in Malaysia..

Is this how my life will be?
I love it over here, I love my friends here, I love my life and my relatives here.
Why am I still so greedy?

What else do I need?
I do not need any words on that I need "God" to be there for me.
I am for sure, know that I am still not ready to accept any religion, though I do believe there is God around me all the time.

This feeling is pretty bad.
This nostalgic feelings..
This heart breaking moment..
This every single thing that I am not happy about.

Fact of Life though..
I have to face it, and grow within it..
Do I learn better that way? Taste my own medicine?
If so, would I dare to fall in love again? Would I dare to let it happen again?
And, I really need to know, WHY does it hurt that much, even if it's a short little "crush" as someone said it?
Or, does it really feel like the whole world is against you when you are pushed away, even if it's jus a little "crush" ?
Dare I feel more, the next time it comes crushing down?

I cried while writing this blog. Pretty badly. :P I heard it would help, but..
What would you do, even if after you've cried, it still won't make you feel better?
It still hurts bad..
It's not breaking to million pieces, this feeling isn't supposed to be deep within my heart.
So I guess, it should be breaking into two? Like the normal picture you saw when someone was broken hearted?
I must have underestimated myself pretty badly.
I told myself to stay strong, no crying because it is not worth my tears.
I guess my heart jus couldn't handle it all.
The burdens I have been keeping inside me.
Burns out when I cry..
Though, it only burns the surface.....

This is not some self pitying blog.
It's jus a way for me to express my sadness.
How I play around with the words when I needed them too.
It's the only time I could write alot, when I'm down/sad/angry.

I need a little time, to calm myself, think of other things.
Going somewhere to the beach, jus staring and listening to the sunset and the waves.. Wouldn't that be great?

I am sorry, to myself that I treated myself like that.
I am sorry I underestimate my power of handling the feelings that I had.
I am sorry, that I hurt my heart like that.
I am sorry for allowing my heart to fly away and be back with injuries.

This is it I guess, in every heart break, I'll look for a new life.
A better one?
I hoped so.. :)